Living While I Die...

I was listening 2 the song "Before I die" by Kirk Franklin and it got me to thinking.... if any of u have read my blogs b4 u already know that i am a thinker.

Sometimes my thinking can get me in trouble and sometimes it sets me free...Well today I hope it sets me free...There may be some of u that think u know me

when u really don't...and i say that because people always look on the outward appearance of a person...hardly ever do they take the time 2 see a person 4 who

they are within...I have a life history that I wouldn't change much about it, but if I had a delete button, recycle bin, or spam file i would get rid of some things...I know

i am far from being perfect...I can't even remember or recall a time when i thought i was....actually nope now that i think about it, i can honestly say i never viewed me as

a perfect being...I always saw the imperfections of me. it took some special people in my life 2 shine the light on anything good about me...i have been told so many times

i can be too aggressive, intimidating, crazy, psycho, come off as 2 strong, paranoid, oh and I can't forget that i think i know everything. i could go on but u get the

picture...any way the song says right b4 i die i got 2 live....but at the end of the song it says right b4 i live i have 2 die....My son asked me what that meant

and i could only explain it one way and that is how i understand it...some people can look as though they have it all together and like they are living the life. they use their

money 2 mask their pain...but there are some people who look like they have nothing 2 offer and they are richer then the wealthiest person on the face of this

earth. these are the people who have died b4 they lived. i may not be able 2 explain it in a way that everyone gets it but i know someone out there will get it...i am the type of

person that will edify another b4 i do myself, but i can also be one who will give u constructive criticism as well (this is why i am apparently 2 aggressive) however when i do

anything my heart intent is always 2 better the person...not by anything that i've done but just simply by giving them advice...see i guess i have a serious problem...I like 2 help

people! i didn't know that it was a crime...but now i know by doing so u can be persecuted either way u slice it...i've had thoughts of going the other way, but that wouldn't be me.

so here i am one woman(but not the only one) who wants 2 change the world..when i see a hurting heart i'm the one who wants 2 comfort it (silly me right?) when i see someone who doesn't feel loved i

want 2 show them love (what a thought) when someone is homeless my desire is 2 give them food and a place 2 stay(not yell at them get a job), if someone is overwhelmed i want 2 lighten their load(crazy huh?)

When someone has a dream or a goal i want 2 help them accomplish it(a cheerleader) and when someone talks down about themselves i'm the one who reminds them that "u are what u say"(whoa I know it all now)

Most people don't know me...but i love people, i always have and always will. i instill love into my children and i even try 2 push my passions off on my husband at times(this means i'm intimidating)

I guess i don't know how 2 be everything 4 everybody but i sure wish i could be...see sometimes i can be ugly, i can yell, be distant, isolate myself even(because no one understands all of me). I remember my

mother...and now i get it..i can remember her yelling and now that i yell i understand that emotion...there are other things that i get but we won't go there it can get a little uncomfy for some(mainly me).

i share my home, my life, my trials, my love, my time, and even my thoughts with only a selected few( this means i'm paranoid) and it shall remain that way. u can't trust ur heart with everyone(that's a no brainer right there)

But i am doing my best 2 live while i die....i can tell u i hate one sided relationships! u know the ones where ur the one doing it all? making all the calls, the plans 2 get together, giving all the advice,

doing all the errands, all the praying, all the crying, all the loving, all the texting(u get the point). i hate it because in relationships like these u know that once u stop doing it all, there isn't a relationship (what a psycho)

So i came from a big family i never had my own room til i was 16 and even that was short lived...we shared everything and i mean everything! I don't understand these small families who only have 2 kids and they

had all their own things and had both parents 2 care for them. i don't understand a person who doesn't love, i don't get people who think they are better then the next based on status, i don't even get people who

are self centered...But i can tell u who i do get and that is Me. love me or hate me there are just some things that u don't get 2 alter..so if u by chance think u know me b4 u say anything about me

learn 2 see me in a new light and come closer u just may see my heart...I am living while i die...but i am also dying while i live....well i love u all always(especially those selected few)