I Remember ....

Today I am remembering my mother: Clara Bell Wilburn who was laid to rest on Oct. 31, 1994....I have been without her in my life now since January of 1992...I had just turned 16 at the time....I remember when I was a teenager. Life just seemed to be so difficult... If I couldn't have my way I didn't throw a fit, I didn't really talk back, neither did I do silly things to get attention...No I would isolate myself from the noise around me and just think...sometimes that got me into trouble and sometimes it brought me inner peace...now I won't get on here and pretend that I had this great childhood life...No it was far from that...But I will tell you that after 17 years of being without my mother it hasn't been easy...See my mother had 9 children and she raised us all on her own...there were a few who helped out along the way but for the most part she did it all....She by the way  lost her mother when she was 9 yrs old and ended up only getting as far as an 8th grade education...We would have to help her pronounce words and even sometimes give her understanding of those words....We even had grammer issues or shall I say we talked like her...I know that my mother may not be different apart from any other woman on this earth who have had 9 kids or more except to me she is significant...it wasn't always the case though...being without her and realizing just how much of the heart of our family she was makes her special to me now...Especially since I am a mother .... She could be very mean at times and she even had a few issues that made living with her a bit of strain, but now as I look back I was only a child and really didn't know much... I had no idea what it was like to carry such a load until now....Now that I am an adult (who is still in learning by the way)....I can't imagine the heartache she must have went through...not knowing how you are going to feed your family and the entire load all being on you...I just can't imagine her life....I don't remember very many good days about my childhood and I can't say if I would even want to relive them the way that they were...But I do remember my mother. She had been so abused, broken, misused, and misled as a child and a woman, that now as I look back I wish I would have been better. Just to make things a little easier for her...Had I known I would be here today missing her the way that I do. I would have done the dishes more, picked up the house more, stayed focused in school, and just never did anything to disrespect her in any way and just maybe she would have lived a little longer.... I wouldn't have complained about the spankings I got, even though most of them were done completely in anger and frustration. I can't say I would like to hear all the ugly things she would say to us kids because she was so wounded from a past that had beaten her down! But I remember the few moments that she said something nice that gave me a little ray of hope...I remember rarely hearing the words I love you from my mother as a child...But I don't think it was ever really spoken much to her when she was a child...How can u give something you were never given?  I didn't understand it all when I was a child but I get it now....My mother gave us the best of her and she did it how it was given to her...I remember her threatening to leave us regularly but never really ever walking out...No she stayed with us until her appointed time...And for that I honor her...I am apart of her and I will forever remember her....I encourage anyone who has a mother still living that they may be ignoring, can't get along with or maybe you just haven't given her much thought since you ventured out on your own...you take her for granted now and you will miss her that much more when she is gone...I love my mother now and I loved her when she was actively apart of my life...Now I just miss her and all the bad stuff just really don't matter so much to me now...I remember she gave me life and stuck it out with me for 16 years...I Remember A woman who is worthy of some honor..I know it does her no good dead but it is the best I can do for her now...Oh yes the heart of  a child never forgets and I Remember...